I went to sleep last night only to be awaken by the thought of fright loosing my air unable to breath yet its all in my head. Don’t always see the world as beautiful but I no longer hide the way I feel yet im so ashamed to live in pain I often wander if im sane somewhere there is hope inside of me an answer I can see.

two really good weeeks and im falling agin as if i cant break this cycle around and i go continuing on in this never ending circle untill i go insane i dont understand why and i just wish it would stop i wan to be happy i want to enjoy life for once nothing is going wrong why am i so sad so i finished my twenty page collage i got alot out that needed to be expressed i dont know i thought it was a little to random but my room mate liked it said it made since and was really moving im excited to show it to my therapist though even though we have a really rocky theraputic relation ship anyway

I really dislike memorial day….

Don’t give up its just weight of the world on your shoulders all the guilt pain and grief you bear the feeling you mask so very well you dread this day the whole year through hoping that you'll make it through in church they pray for them as you pass there graves you see people in there misery striped of your last defense grief has its way with you the fear is just to near as emotions run a muck over your soul.

Back again, feeling a little better a lot actually sure im still so depressed but I don’t know it just feels different like less hopeless than the last round of depression. I wish everyone who struggles would have supporting people in there life like I do a place where they can spend and entire week (away from of everything) to work through the stuff in their head.

At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me

I always thought/felt as if there is this intense pressure for me to be better thinner smaller smarter stronger  but mainly I just wasn’t good enough for anybody including myself. I felt as if I didn’t keep at least my distorted thoughts and occasional meal skipping the world would come crashing down around me and I would not be able to handle it my control would be broken and someone would finally manage to hate me more than I do myself.  It felt as if I could only live this life if I had that specific coping mechanism. Then today I realized that all the people I chose to surround myself with are scared they do not want me to relapse there not waiting for me to be smaller and just a little bit "better" before they love me they love me now just how I am fat, struggling with disorders, desperately seeking purpose and all. and slamming into me like a ton of bricks is the realization that im the only one who thinks im not good enough im the only one.

Dear ED,

You promised you were a friend that you would help me cope with life you promised perfection yet ive never failed more. You promised me strength yet I was too weak to open a door you promised me beauty when all I got was self hatred  you promised I would be invisible but everyone noticed you promised me control but stole it for your self you promised  to give me a reason to live but I only found a million reasons to die. Im sick of having you in my life and even though im terrified to face this world alone no matter how bad I screw it up ill probably still end up better than if I were to stay with you. I loved you but you only betrayed me. I know ill still probably falter but that doesn't mean im letting you back in. you’ve kept me from myself kept me form accepting love and embracing happiness. You’re the reason I cant call my teenage years my own no one not even me (well probably not even me) deserve the life sentence you tried to give me all the hospital stays and continuing blood work bear witness to the carnage of your legacy. You made a mistake you sent me looking for ED friends thinking that it would help me become even more loyal to you. I made friends and realized that they are the most amazing people and what you are doing to them is heartless but you were still winning convincing me that our relationship wasn’t that bad and besides I deserved it but then they sparked something deep inside of me I didn’t know still excited a flame of truth my friends fanned that flame showing me what you were actually doing to me and how you were stealing my livelihood. Form now on if you tell me something and its something that I would never tell my best friend then im not going to pay it any heed and eventually ill stop listing to you all together. You made me say goodbye to the few good things I had in my life. Well now I have a new list of good byes and they include you

Goodbye to…. Feeling hopeless, not being good enough, strong enough, fast enough, hating myself, secrets, lies, false hopes, depression, false hopes, regret, shame, loneness, longing, that overwhelming since of fear chained to my soul, confusion, and doubt. I want you out of my life, let me go don’t make me fight you because I will and I will win. ED make it easy on yourself let me go let me show you mercy and pity you I don’t want to have to push you off a cliff but if you block my path I will. I like me simply because im me not because of the choices I have made. When all I see is darkness ahead of me I wont get discouraged when all you show me is failure I will remember that’s it’s a lie when I feel completely alone in the world I will force myself to call someone because they WANT TO talk to me nothing will ever be hopeless if hang on to that last hope and walk on. The road that leads a way from you is an uphill climb but im already half way there I went through re-feeding and ive kept the weight on despite you telling my to loose it. You under estimated my social phobia and how many healthy choices I would make if it meant people would leave me alone and now that only bits of that phobia still linger you tried to take over but I loved myself more than I thought and you cant seem to when. You made me treat my body awful but im going to fix that I wont let you in my head when I write my apology letter to my body. Every once and a while ill get a glimpse of what I really look like in the mirror and its like looking into the eyes of who you made me and realizing I can be so much more with out you

`what a wicked roller coaster week. I find my self in this house again but with a new story line. Some demons will I face tonight.

-I guess I had always know that I needed to hit rock bottom before I truly realized where I was and far away I was from where I wanted to be. I thank the lord for Paul and Maurine and the rest of them. I never in a million times on the scale did I think I could fall this hard yet rise so quickly in the course of a week. I didn’t even know I could rise so far that that ability was inside of me. how many roads have I traveled until I found the one I needed how long would I have endured had I not made that call. This has been the scariest, in lighting, and emotionally draining week of my entire life. Who knew that all I needed was a safe place to fall completely apart in order for me to heal. Im so glad there part of my life and that when it comes to emotional issues they believe its in-between you God family friends and therapists no hospitals or psych wards    thank goodness because to be honest im not healthy enough to be in a pych ward I have to many control issues and intense fears about being judged (im so grateful I made it out of my trip to the hospital though still I wake up in a cold sweat terrified by my experience there at least twice a month) but I didn’t have that fear with Paul and Maurine they didn’t judge it didn’t even cross there mind to send me somewhere where they can help me, they just loved me. a place where I could go and say I don’t want to kill myself but I want to die and let it all out balling for hours and she would just hold me validate my feelings and pray with me that was all I needed  to be heard and understood. Not having to think ahead of any consequences or hold anything back in fear. To just be in a safe place in witch I could explore the darkness to my hearts content feel the pain and make the decision that I want (no deserve) more.

I want my life back with experiences worth remembering

I want to learn to love myself

I can get my life back simply by daring to change my thoughts

The day you were born so was a possibility

Your feelings cant hurt you but running away from them can

I don’t want to waste any more of my life hurting my body and dwelling in pain

This is just the beginning

I need to believe that everything is going to be all right and at the same time I am unable to accept that it will be

Oh journal you truly are the only one who knows me at all well you and my videos

Okay so im back staying in my room this week to see how it goes I know it will be rough and old habbits and frames of mind dye hard but I think I can do this

So I haven't eaten in three days my body is rebelling I tear open the 45 calories cup-of-soup eating it on the bathroom floor in fear that if I waste even a second my body will absorb some of the nutrients before I can purge it up I get it all up and then keep going to just to make sure im so dizzy I have to focus on the tile counting the spots to stay conscious but I cant stop counting I cant seem to find the "right" even number to end on. Guilt and shame are pouring down on me like I knew it would risking my health do to the electrolyte imbalance dizzy pounding heart and about to collapse just isn't enough im too awful of a person so worthless fat stupid and lazy to only deserve this so I pop six extra strength laxatives slip on some shoes and head out the door. In back stairwell I climb steps as I wait for the laxatives to set in I want to go the gym and use the elliptical because it burns more calories but I know im to fat to go the gym I keep thinking about how when my blood pressure drops and when I get dehydrated that maybe it will be enough this time. that it would be enough punishment and then, then maybe I can start over try again to love myself but not yet not now im not worthy. This is a portrait of my eating disorder at this stage in my life this is what its doing to me this is how its twisting my thoughts this how crazy it makes me and this might be how I die by accident yes by accident. But as much as I hate it despite how terrified I am im convinced this is what I deserve.

Im crying and im dying im broken yet im hoping….these are the confessions of a shattered soul

Falling back into all that I regret lost hopeless secrets are storing up inside of me the tears dry leaving traces that speak of unmentionable past truths. The fall seems so endless that ive stopped reaching out and silence fills the air. Giving up on everything seems so natural I don’t know how to begin to believe in hope

In the middle of the darkness I find myself

Im spinning in circles falling through the crakes in my head

 

my slowly dropping weight pulls my mind down with it until I realize the "truth" how I long to starve and feel that pain again to hate all that I am yet convinced if im small enough ill be a little closer to good enough.  I long to "fix" my life with a relapse. my ED therapist leaving for the summer was supposed to be hard, I was ready to fight my ED on my own but in a split second a barrier I worked so hard to build collapsed in my mind. all I can think about is how now that she's leaving that healthy voice inside my head wont be strong enough to keep my "true love" at bay. I feel as if my ED is telling me I can be normal again oh how i long for that fake since of safety to not have to face things on my own to not have to make decisions and be responsible because with responsibility comes the option of making the wrong choice messing everything up and being hated. I long to not be alone in my head with nothing but my fragile soul. yet still I know better than to walk happily down the path of self-destruction. for everything I feel it gives me is fake and fleeting. So now like many times before im left confused feeling as if im frozen in time what can i do? 

i  love you becuase your human i love you becuase your you and i need to know that i will never never give up on you

feeling a little better today not as depressed mabey ill actually get somthing done im almost hopefull =)